It’s possible that you got a nice (but totally awkward) txt or Facebook message from me today. Please don’t contact the police informing them of your new stalker. Let me explain…

Last night Shane and I got into a deep conversation with an extremely good friend of ours. Once the conversation was winding down, I felt so much love for this guy. I had such a strong urge to tell him that I loved who he was. So, I worked up the courage, bailed, worked up the courage again, bailed again, waited for the right moment, and then finally delivered the most awkward “We love you for who you are” that ever existed, complete with an awkward hug.

Why was that so hard?!? I totally love this guy, care for him, think so much of him, spend a lot of time with him. My heart was exploding with good thoughts and feelings for him. Why couldn’t I just say it?! Why did I struggle so much to let him know how I truly felt?!

There seems to be some sort of bullshit social rule that keeps us from complimenting and loving on each other. (Excuse my language but its bullshit.) I hate that. Why have we allowed ourselves to become so hard and so closed off? We struggle with receiving compliments just as much, at least I know I do. What an absolute tragedy? I’m determined to break through that awkwardness. I’m determined to make complimenting, vocally admiring, and loving people second nature. I’m determined to take my positive thoughts of people and make them words. I know it’s awkward. I know it’s weird. I know we aren’t used to it, but imagine if we were. Imagine if we continually built each other up in love. Personally, I’m ready to do more than just imagine it!

I make fun of my big sister a lot for acting like an old person. Truth is, I admire how steady and stable she is. I feel like she mastered the kind of inner stability that people usually take 6+ decades to figure out. She’s mastered it in less than 3! Why have I never told her that? As far as she knows I just think she acts old…that’s not what I really think. It’s probably time she knows what I’ve always felt too awkward to say.

Thus, all the txts and messages I sent out today. Please know I didn’t have to dig deep to come up with these compliments. All of what I have said were “top of mind” thoughts and truly what I think of you all. Let me just say…I know some truly amazing people! It made me cry tears of joy thinking of all your goodness!!! If you didn’t get a Facebook or txt message please know that it’s not because I don’t think you’re fabulous. Chances are I have something nice I’d like to say to you too. I only opted not to say it for fear that you might take out a restraining order against the weird girl you barely know. I hope you all try this with me. It feels good to break through that barrier…even if it does make you look a little crazy! Oh well…it happens.

P.S. The responses have been totally worth the awkwardness!! I think my sister thought I might be dying and getting in my last goodbyes. Haha!

Shane and I were blessed this weekend with a trip to Cape Town. It was unbelievably beautiful. I’m working hard at convincing Shane that Cape Town needs to be our second home. Who wouldn’t want to wake up to views like this everyday?!

There is something about mountains meeting the ocean that literally brings me to life. It’s hard for me to have mountains on my right, and the ocean on my left, and not have a smile on my face. This weekend I was so thankful for God’s creation. It’s amazing to realize that I serve a God that imagined, and spoke into existence, these kind of views. He knew how they would speak to our hearts. He knew we’d long to be in His creation. I completely fell in love with this tiny slice of God’s vast creation.

I honestly never wanted to leave, but unfortunately, vacations always come to an end. We said our goodbyes to that beautiful place, and we boarded a plane to Johannesburg. Worn out from the trip and praying I’d get a chance to go back, I put my headphones in to drown out the other passengers around me. I had an urge to pray and be in God’s presence so I went to my go-to “Worship” playlist on my iPhone. “I surrender” by Jesus Culture played first, and immediately God pulled me into his presence…that sweet, sweet place.

“There is no love sweeter than the love You pour on me. There is no song sweeter than the song You sing to me. There is no PLACE that I would rather be, than here at Your feet laying down everything.”

I drowned in those words as God seemed to whisper, “The most beautiful places in my creation are only a drop in the ocean compared to the beauty, the power, and the sweetness of being in MY presence.” Suddenly, the sadness of leaving such a beautiful place was washed away as I realized that I would choose a cramped airplane, drowning in God’s presence, over the most beautiful mountain top any day.

Matthew 9:20-22 King James

Shane and I had a really powerful night and few nights ago, here in South Africa. We had just had a time of powerful prayer with Dawine, Johan, and two of their friends. God was moving and working in us that night. After we had left their home and gone back to our own, Shane spent more time outside praying and praising. When I went and looked for him later on, he was missing. I had a hunch where he had gone, and I was right.

Dawine has a place here that she calls “the upper room.” There are two separate guesthouses here. When we had first arrived, I was so curious about what was on the second floor of the second guesthouse. I think something in me knew it was special. Later, Dawine told us that is where she spends her time with God. It’s where she prays over this place, over this town. Because she has claimed that space for God, there is a wonderful presence there. She had invited to use the space any time we wanted.

I joined Shane in the upper room. He had music playing and was praying. There’s a spectacular view from up there. It was dark, but I could see the lights from all of Middelburg lighting the rolling hills. My heart was full of God’s presence. I began praying, pleading with God to see his glory, to see his face. Instantly, God put the story of the bleeding woman in my mind. I felt like the bleeding woman. Not that I had physical ailments, but my heart felt broken, and I felt desperate to be made whole. I know that putting that story on my heart was God’s way of saying that “thy faith hath made ME whole.”

I’ve been chewing on, reading, and re-reading this story for two days. I specifically shared with you the King James versions, (Although, that’s not what i typically read.) because other versions say she was healed. King James says she was made whole. I  am so grateful for what God has and is continuing to make whole in me, but I can’t help but wonder if that’s all we have to learn from this story. Praise God that, when we have faith, he heals us, breaks chains, makes us whole, but why should we stop there?

Earlier that night, Jimmy (Dawine and Johan’s friend) had insisted on washing our feet, just as Jesus had lovingly washed his disciples feet. Dawine went and fetched a white porcelain bowl. I stuck my feet in the warm water hoping that this wasn’t her salad bowl. Jimmy prayed for us and anointed our heads with oil.

After a powerful few minutes, someone eventually cracked a joke about the bowl being a salad bowl. We all laughed, but Dawine quickly corrected us. “No. I bought that bowl for feet washing.” I sat back kind of amazed. Then I realized that the oil Jimmy had anointed us with had come from his wive’s purse. Here were two woman who, in faith, expected the work of God. They prepared themselves to play important roles in God’s work.

I know God used the story of the bleeding woman to show me that, by faith, I am being healed, but I think he also used it to show me an important lesson about having and expectant heart. The woman was healed because she reached out and expected a miracle. Dawine bought a bowl for feet washing, knowing that God would use it. Jimmy’s wife carries oil in her purse, expectant that God will use it to anoint people. Perhaps, God is not only healing me, but also preparing me (and asking me to be prepared) to expect more.   

Jimmy and his oil-carrying wife!

Job 39:13-18 The Message

“The ostrich flaps her wings futilely—
 all those beautiful feathers, but useless!
She lays her eggs on the hard ground,
 leaves them there in the dirt, exposed to the weather,
Not caring that they might get stepped on and cracked
 or trampled by some wild animal.
She’s negligent with her young, as if they weren’t even hers.
 She cares nothing about anything.
She wasn’t created very smart, that’s for sure,
 wasn’t given her share of good sense. 
But when she runs, oh, how she runs,
 laughing, leaving horse and rider in the dust.”

Last weekend Shane and I got the chance to go to a lion farm, here in South Africa. It was undoubtebly my favorite day here so far. The views from the farm were spectacular!

I instantly fell in absolute LOVE with this place. They fed the lions for all of us to see. They drove trucks, the beds filled with animal legs, into their huge pins. My lion experience was previously limited to the sleeping guys at the zoo. These lions were so different. They “hunted” the trucks, circling them, and finally leapt into the beds to drag away their meat. Lions are so big and beautiful.

We got to go on a ride of the farm and see all their game. They had every kind of African animal you can think of except an elephant. Everything else they had!

As I mentioned before, Shane and I met some other American dent techs over here. We clicked instantly with them. While we were admiring some ostrich on the farm, (I wish I had gotten a picture.) one of them mentioned the scripture in Job about the ostrich. Immediately, that scripture hit home for me. I had already been thinking, “What a strange bird! It doesn’t even fly!”

We talked to our guide about riding ostrich. He had, in fact, ridden on an ostrich! He said you tuck your legs down under the wings, hold on to the top of its wings for dear life, and ride! (Riding and ostrich might now be on my bucket list! We’ll see.) A bird that runs, and in doing so laughs at the horse and rider…I’m so thankful for the care, and thought God put into his creation. Praise God that even though we think birds should fly, the ostrich serves a bigger purpose…running. I can almost picture God bursting with joy, watching her run.

Since reading this passage, I’m finding myself so thankful for the way that I was created. Like the ostrich I have faults, flaws, oddities, but God sees the bigger picture. He created me for a bigger purpose. Although there are many times I fail, there is something so special about me, something that makes God smile down on me. Suddenly, I’m worrying less about the inevitable wrinkles, frizzy hair, and perfect makeup. We all serve such a bigger purpose. All I want is for God to look at me, His creation, bursting with joy, saying, “That is EXACTLY what I created her for.”

When we first came to South Africa, my intention was to blog often for all of you back home. That hasn’t really worked out like I thought. It’s not because I’ve been too busy or anything. I have plenty of time on my hands while Shane is at work all day. He usually leaves home at about 6am and get’s home about 5:30pm. I have all day that I could be telling you all about our adventure. I think the reason I haven’t is, because I honestly don’t know how to even put into words all that is happening here. Instead, I’ve only been able to sit back and watch, in awe, of what God is doing here. So, forgive me if this blog seems like a jumbled of mess of confusion.

A few days before we left for South Africa, God started to speak to my heart. I felt him gently whispering that I would see and feel his presence in South Africa. I think Shane started to feel the same thing. I felt such a peace about flying nearly halfway around the world into a completely unknown situation. I should have been terrified. There are places in South Africa that are very dangerous. We knew nothing about the town we were going to. We didn’t know how to get there. We didn’t know where we would be staying. All we knew was that we would be getting off a plane in Johannesburg to start a crazy adventure. Usually, that would have been enough to cause a nervous breakdown, but it didn’t. I was totally at peace.

Our plane landed at 4:35 pm in Johannesburg. After an hour and a half nightmare at the rental car place, we headed out. I reassured Shane of my map reading skills, reassured him again, asked for directions, asked for directions again (the first guy was very hard to understand), and prayed we’d somehow make it to Middelburg. Shane was very worried about getting lost in the wrong part of town. I was freaking out about driving on the wrong side of the road! It was an hour and a half drive from the airport. At 8:30, in the dark, we rang the gate at 9 Hexrivier Road. There a man warmly greeted us in the driveway. “You must be the Americans!” We had made it!

The place we were supposed to stay was full, and we had been referred to this guest house instead. We knew nothing about it. We didn’t know how much it cost, what it looked like, or anything. We were so grateful when Johan and his wife Dawine insisted that we get a good night sleep before we talked money. The place was absolutely beautiful, and right away Shane and I worried we wouldn’t be able to afford to stay more than one night. We didn’t care how much it cost for that night, though. After a bumpy 15 hour flight, we would have paid $500 for a bed on the floor.

We slept so peacefully that night. The next morning we saw the place in the daylight. We were even more stunned at the beauty. The courtyards are so beautifully landscaped. The kitchen was fully stocked for cooking. The shower was hot, with amazing water pressure. There was a pool. It was a block for every amenity that we may need. The entire place was too good to be true.

Johan and Dawine greeted us in the morning. They invited us into their home, and Shane and I fearfully talked money. We desperately wanted to stay. We prepared for a battle of talking them down, but instead they were talking themselves down. It was like we were bargaining, yet, we didn’t have to stay a word. Shane and I walked out of their house a little confused and super surprised. This place was only a couple of dollars more expensive than the place we had originally planned to stay. While the other place was only a hotel room, this was a house with two bedrooms and a kitchen! I praised God! Our friends had specifically prayed with us, the day before we left, about accommodations. God had certainly answered.

From the very beginning Shane and I knew there was something about this place. We had so much peace here. Aside from our dogs missing, it felt like home. We also felt safe, which was such a blessing! (Shane has been to South Africa before, and even though where he stayed was nice, the place was robbed. In a place with so much poverty, crime rates are very high and brutal.) We had no fears here. We felt God’s presence. From day one, I had a longing to be in the presence of God. I’d sit by the pool and look at the courtyard. I felt God romancing me with this place. The flowers, the green grass, the tropical plants, they were all for me. God was drawing me in.

One of the first few days here, we had quite a scare. When Shane visited the body shop he was supposed to work in, he was told they were full. They already had more than enough techs. For two days it looked like we might have come to South Africa for nothing. Shane and I went back to the guesthouse totally freaked. Had we really just spent our winter money to come here for nothing? But the minute we collected our thoughts in this place we were praising God. (I’m telling you, there is something miraculous about this place.) Although, it looked like we might be in a very bad spot we were still finding so much to be grateful for. We praised God that Shane had been disciplined to pay off all of his bills. His cell phone bill was the only thing he had to his name. We praised God for our little house, thankful that the mortgage payment is only $200 a month. We praised God for an abundantly simple life. We knew our greatest asset was that we had little. Even though it was a little scary, we believed and trusted that God had a plan for us here. We didn’t care if we made $1, we knew we were in God’s hands. I know that sounds totally cliché, but it’s really how we felt.

Right after we found out we might totally be screwed Dawine came into our guest house. She was just there for friendly conversation, but we told her our story and our worries. She immediately prayed for us. That’s when we learned that the owners of the guesthouse were bold and devoted Christians. Dawine told us her story. She talked about her days as a traveling missionary. She told us how she and Johan had gotten this place. They’ve only been here for three months, and although it’s been tough, they knw God has called them to run this guesthouse and that they will be used as a blessing to those who stay here. She told us how she has constantly prayed over this place, claiming it for God. It was all making sense now. Shane and I knew this is why we loved this place so much. It wasn’t that we just felt God’s presence here…God’s presence WAS here. Shane and I thanked Dawine for her stories, and thanked her for her prayers. We knew she would continue to pray for us.

Fast forward a bit….God TOTALLY took care of us. While here in South Africa, Shane and I met two other American dent techs on fire for God. (I’m still totally amazed by all this.) We told them our story and they too promised to pray for us. Not two days later, they called us and said they had landed a nearby body shop and wanted Shane to work in it. We were so excited. Not only would we get to stay at this guesthouse in Middelburg, but this deal was an even better deal than the original! Shane would be making $300 more per car than we had expected and planned for. We felt so grateful and blessed. Had we not patiently trusted and waited for God to move, we might have already been on a plane home. We might have totally missed out on what God was doing.

I have come to love this place. Dawine and I have daily lessons together. She gives me Bible verses to read, and God is speaking to me in a whole new way. I have come to really love her. I feel like this is the place God is laying out the foundation of our future. He’s giving us glimpses of what it might look like. He’s giving us a passion for giving and bringing His kingdom to the earth. On top of all of that, He’s strengthening Shane and I.  I can feel him binding us together in a whole new way.

Last night Shane and I laid outside in a hammock together. The weather was perfect and the stars were unbelievably bright. We could here Dawine in her room, singing God’s praises. Boldly proclaiming “Hallelujah!” Shane and I smiled together. I felt so content, knowing that this is exactly where God wants us.

Alright, girlies. We all do it… We get our Martha Stewart fix with Pinterest while avoiding the fact that our closets aren’t actually organized at all, we are eating cereal for dinner again, and although we’d love to have our curling irons nested nicely in pvc pipe on the inside of the vanity, they are really just laying in the bathroom sink. (Which is dangerous!!! So I hear.)

This girl has 1,057 pins. Yep, embarrassing. However, I am determined to turn this embarrassing addiction into fruitful creativity! Thus, I have created the “Projects I Pinned and Then Actually Created, Too!!” board. A place where I track my progress into a real live Martha Stewart clone. (Minus the whole jail time thing. That might be a step backward for me.) 138 of my pins fall into my “project” category. So far I have created… dun dun dun dun…7. Baby steps people…baby steps!!!

Today, was a small step in the right direction. Naturally, I chose the easiest project on my boards! This simple, simple, simple scarf! (Martha would be so proud…Sort of.)

Start with an old shirt, cut a straight line across right under the arms.

I used this shirt, because…dare I say it…the armpits had a permanent stench. (This is real life people! Sometimes I sweat, and It stinks! Just be happy you aren’t my significant other or my family. I make them smell it!) Anyway, lucky for me this project involves cutting out the armpits altogether. Then, simply cut fringe around the bottom edge.

There you have it! (Yes, this picture was taken in the bathroom. Fail. Totally feeling like a tween, but who can deny bathroom lighting? Not me)  It took all of 10 minutes, and it even makes it look less like I’m wearing pj’s. Tricky, tricky scarf! Those are definitely pj’s under there. I imagine it more as a summertime scarf with a plain tank. Just another reason to day dream about summer!

I feel like it’s probably about time I share a story with everyone. “The” story. Like all good fairytales, it goes like so:

Once upon a time, In a wonderful little town the town in which they were raised, a handsome young man met a beautiful always feeling a bit sub-par young woman. Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah…and they lived happily ever after…Sort of.

Ok, let’s be honest….I can put “once upon a time” at the beginning of my love story, but it’s been no fairytale. Although the story played out very differently than I had planned, it is still a story of love, of grace, of hope, and of God’s healing power. It’s our story!

As many of you probably know, Shane and I were married in June of 2008. Shane and I had known each other for several years and ran around in the same circle. When I walked down the aisle towards him, we had come such a long way from that 10th grade art class where we met and set across from one another. Once we started dating years later, I found out that Shane had a crush on me from day one way back then. Back then, I looked at him as the cute little boy that sat across from me, (I was sooo much wiser being a year older… Sometimes I wish I could go back in time and punch myself.) but only 5 years later there I was, walking down the aisle towards wisest man of God I knew.

Shane and I had an EXTREMELY rough first year of marriage. (This is my plea to older, wiser married couples: Elaborate a bit more when you say, “Marriage can be tough.”) Nothing had quite prepared us for the huge struggle fusing two lives together can be. The fact that I was a full time student, and Shane was a youth pastor, meant that we also struggled financially, as most young couples do. We hit completely uncharted territory, and it terrified me…to the core.

This is the part of the story where I wish I could say, “So I reached out for help. I went to my pastor, my mom, my dad, my friends, and asked for help.” However, that’s not the way the story went. I wish it had. I wish I had felt comfortable enough to do so. I kind of wish churches made it easier to seek help (some do). I wish Satan didn’t whisper, “You’ll look young and dumb if you admit you are struggling” into our ears… Pride, mixed with what I think was serious spiritual attack, made me shut down, and I felt alone. I did try to reach out to Shane, but our communication always seemed to get tangled up and turned into hurtful confusion.

Shane and I both dug in and maintained. I buried myself in school, romantic movies, and projects around the house. Shane buried himself deeply into ministry. We masked the daily struggle and carried on.

Almost a year into our marriage Shane took a new venture. He put his talents into use and took a job that required us to pack up and hit the road. When I say “pack up” I mean we literally packed up everything we owned in our little two bedroom house and put it into storage. We rented out the house, bought a truck and a travel trailer, and set off on a new adventure. Remember when I said the uncharted territory we had already entered terrified me to the core? Imagine how scared I was on this new crazy rollercoaster, but I saw Shane come alive. He loved this new venture, and he was good at every part of it.

I tried. I tried really hard to make this the venture a positive move for us. I did my best to make stay at “camper” wife work for me. I cleaned all 30ish feet of our camper top to bottom daily, I made Shane lunches, I cooked spaghetti dinners on our gas grill. (Please, feel free to applaud. Cooking meals in a camper with a broken stove is tough, but I succeeded.) At the end of the day there just wasn’t enough to burry myself in and distract me from the fact that our marriage had all but fallen apart. I was lonely, hurt, and bored.

I’ll spare you all the details of our horrific divorce, but let’s just say it ended in deceit, infidelity, and a whole lot of pain. Right before it was time to sign the dreaded “papers” I had a change of heart. God had already begun speaking words of reconciliation in my heart. This is the part of the story where I finally reached out to everyone I knew. I started spreading our story to everyone. I cried on too many living room floors to count. I asked everyone I knew for prayer, and I cried out to God with fierce intent. God answered. In all my prayers, I always felt his power. I knew in the deepest crevices of my soul, to the tip of every hair on my head, that God would reconcile our marriage…and it would be beautiful. Shane had washed his hands of me, however. I somehow convinced Shane to not sign the divorce papers for two weeks. God was stirring so much in my heart and my life that I felt certain within two weeks time God could break through Shane’s defiance for reconciliation.

As quickly as God had swept in and stirred my heart and my life, he backed away and fell almost completely silent. At the end of two weeks, I was overcome with peace and signed the divorce papers at Shane’s request. At first, I was confused. Why had God made reconciliation so absolutely certain? Now He was shutting the door? I couldn’t make any sense of it. All I knew was I had to pick up the pieces and move on.

Two years went by, and I did move on. I was happy. I found a sense of success. I found new friends. I even found love, but something inside always felt a bit broken. Shane and I had virtually no communication, but he loomed… Somewhere, on some hidden shelf of my heart, sat the pain, the void, and the embarrassment of our marriage. You wouldn’t have known it looking at me or interacting with me, but on dark and quiet nights…I felt it.

If you know me well at all, you know that pain is always met with reasoning in my head and my heart. I reasoned away why Shane and I were terrible for each other, why it was better that we parted ways. The reasoning made sense! (Reasoning is a strong suit of mine.) I had moved on and I was happy about it, but here comes the turn around…

On my 50 minute drive to work one morning, about 7 or 8 months ago, I prayed for movement. My heart had been feeling the gentle nudge from God to dive in deeper with him, and I desperately wanted to see His works in my life. I prayed he would work and move in my heart. I went about my day, my night, and went to bed. I suddenly awoke at 2 the next morning. I fought to find sleep and eventually gave in to the urge to do a bit of Facebook creeping…and there it was. A message from the man I had hurt and wronged. A message from the man who, for two years, wanted nothing to do with me. A message from Shane.

Shane said that God had laid me on his heart. God had laid specific things about me on his heart. Words of truth. Words about my need to seek my worth in God rather than the world. Shane wrote in a way that I knew it was directly from God. Every word hit me hard, rippled in my heart. Each word set forth the motion in my heart that I had just prayed for that morning. I shot a quick message back to Shane thanking him for his words and asking him to continue to be in prayer for me.

The next morning I felt renewed. I had the satisfaction that God was moving in my life again, and it felt big. There was no doubt God was doing something big. Later in the day, I got a text message from Shane. It was a simple, “How are you doing today?” and in came the confusion. I hadn’t really thought about the impact of Shane contacting me until that simple little text. The Facebook message felt like a message from God, and I was able to quickly and easily dismiss the fact that Shane had been the portal in which it came. This text message was different, though. Shane had chosen to send this. The lines of communication had been opened…

After a few moments of struggle in my head…”How do I respond? Should I respond? This is soooooo weird!” I answered the truth. I let him know that I knew God was working in my life, but I was confused as to why it would have anything to do with him. (I can be so hard headed.) It became pretty clear pretty quick that Shane felt there might be a possibility God was working to get us back together. I resisted…with force. After all, I had spent the past two years reasoning in my head why we were both so much better off apart!

I was dating someone else at the time. Out of respect for him, and the fact that I just flat out hated the idea of Shane and I getting back together, I asked Shane not to contact me anymore. I knew God was moving and working, but I desperately wanted him to work in a different direction.

I’ll be honest. Something in me knew from the moment I saw Shane’s name in my Facebook inbox what God was up to. Very early on in our dating, Shane had a dream about us. He dreamt that we were clay figures, and all the sudden we were torn to pieces. God came, put us back together, made us whole again, and then put our little clay bodies hand in hand. Maybe that seems silly to some, but God speaks to Shane in so many ways. That dream ALWAYS burned in my mind. I always took it seriously. It burned in my mind then, but I wouldn’t (I couldn’t) let me mind go there. I ignored it and decided that God could work in the situation in other ways, and he did, but that is a WHOLE other story about God’s amazing power to do good things in our lives even when we flat out ignore him.

Months went by. I felt God saying that the person I was dating wasn’t what he had in store for me. I agreed. (One of the few times my Heavenly Father and I have ever agreed….children…always a handful.) I ended it with him on a Saturday morning and Saturday evening I randomly ran into Shane.

You know when Saved By the Bell pauses and Zach Morris has a little powwow with the camera? I totally had that kind of moment with God… “Really, God?!?! You lead me to break up with my boyfriend and then the same day I run into Shane??!?! This cannot be happening!” (Hit play.) I did my best to “act cool.” My insides were crawling. Did I mention we are at a party surrounded by friends? Yeah, it was so weird. Thankfully, Shane walked away in conversation with someone else, and I was able to take my first real breath in the 15 minutes I had been there. The party carried on and so did conversations with old friends. I was just starting to steady my knees again, when Shane reappeared.

There we were, standing painfully close to one another staring into a bonfire. Emotions began to overtake me. That pain, sitting on the hidden shelf somewhere in the depths of my heart fell to the floor and exploded like a full can of paint. I pulled Shane aside, asking if we could “talk.” Truth be told, he talked and I just cried. The few words I was able to muster were about how I had just ended it with my boyfriend, and now, here he was. I told him I was just so confused. What was God doing? Shane talked and I heard Charlie Brown Teacher. All I could do was look at him and try to make sense of this completely new man I was looking at. It looked like Shane, It talked like Shane, but he radiated “man of my dreams.”

Somehow (I can’t remember how) the conversation came to an end. I went home and went to bed, exhausted from emotional overload. I gave no thought to what had just happened. I couldn’t.

The next morning I woke up, pushed the previous night’s event completely out of my mind, and headed to church. I have to say, God put a completely new pep in my step that morning. I don’t know why, but I felt light and freed. I sat down in my usual pew at church, and scanned the sermon notes…. PAUSE….. “God, this is a joke right? A sermon about marriage?” God wasn’t joking. Not one bit. In fact, I quickly learned that this was only the first part of a three Sunday sermon about marriage. “Here we go.” I slumped a bit in my pew. Marriage sermons always made me uncomfortable. I was divorced after all! I felt like I was in for a very uncomfortable hour, but that didn’t happen at all.

The pastor did his thing, and I felt fine. I felt better than fine. I felt peace and joy. My heart agreed with the words he spoke! For three Sunday’s I sat in that pew and felt a new love for God’s bond of marriage.(Now, one would think that SURELY by this point I would have accepted what God was doing in my life. Nope. I’m honestly surprised my story doesn’t scream even more similarities to Jonah’s story. I all but got swallowed up by a whale before I accepted the direction God was pushing me.) I never thought about Shane. I didn’t want to. I thought God was healing my heart. I thought the newfound love and respect for marriage was for my next relationship.

The Sunday after the three Sundays about marriage, I was standing in my front yard with my family. Shane drove by. My heart jumped a little, but then it sparked an idea. (Please don’t believe a word I say when I lie to you and tell you the reason I convinced myself I needed to contact him. Really I just wanted to hear from him.) I decided I should contact him to see if he wanted to buy my house. I was working in Indianapolis. I had just been promoted, and I was sick of commuting. When Shane and I had brief communication 5 months earlier, he had mentioned possibly wanting to buy the house. Off the text went, asking if he was still interested in the house. His response was no….darn the luck, but then randomly he mentioned something about our past. Specifically, he mentioned a particularly good day we had during our marriage. Finally, I couldn’t ignore the rather large elephant in the room anymore. I replied this, “You seem to be this looming this that just won’t go away.” He laughed a bit about how I called him a “looming” thing. I plainly told him that’s how I really felt. Then, there it was. That ever important question… “Would you consider going on a date with me?” I shot back the quickest “yes” ever! I convinced myself that I agreed to go so that I could finally close the door. I told myself we’d go on a date and remember all the reasons we didn’t work and then walk away forever.

We set the date for the following Saturday. I had a week to talk myself out of going. He said he’d stay in touch. I carried on with my week in total disbelief. I maintained that we absolutely would never work, but throughout that week, Shane sent the sweetest messages. He consoled me gently when I started to freak out about what we were doing, and made me feel…special. That week something happened in my heart that I know could have only been the work of God. By Friday we were too excited to wait until Saturday to see each other.

When God orchestrates a story, he carefully pulls together every single detail. It amazes me the care and careful detail he put into our story. Shane and I decided to have a quiet night where we would catch up in his camper. I know how weird that sounds, but Shane travels. Remember? His camper is his home, and it just happened to be parked at his mom’s house while he was in town for a few days. As I drove to meet him, I realized the irony in the fact that I was driving to meet Shane in his camper, parked at his mom’s house. This is the very scenario in which Shane and I ended our marriage. We were back in town for a short period of time and we were staying in our camper parked at his mom’s house when the mess of our divorce happened. It’s as if God was putting us back right where we left off. I knocked, Shane came to the door…PAUSE… “Oh my gosh, he’s sooooo hot!” (Play.) We spent the night talking, catching up, laughing, talking about how we’d changed. He showed me pictures of his travel to South Africa and Australia. I told him all about my job. We tried to watch a terrible movie. (my pick. Opps) We played a game instead. He kissed me. I nearly fainted. He kept his cool. He were instantly friends again. All the pain, the hurt was gone. Not a trace to be found. God had cleared every shelf of our hearts, and we started new.

The moment I laid eyes on Shane that night, was the moment I finally accepted that God was putting us back together. He had put us back together. As reluctant as we were, God persisted. The next day we went to the Zoo. We walked and looked at all the animals, the whole time talking about what this would mean for us. What being together would mean for us. We talked about what it would look like. We talked about our shared desire to give glory and praise to God for what He had done. Ultimately, we decided we didn’t know what it all meant. We didn’t know what it would look like. We didn’t know exactly where we were headed. All we knew was that it was good, and it was right.

That was 10 weeks ago, and Shane and I have been enjoying falling in love all over again. God is so good, and we feel so blessed that he has given us such a beautiful story of His grace and love. Shane and I are excited about where God will lead us and the journey we know we will share together. Please pray for us. Pray that God will use us and our story to bring Him glory.

10 Weeks of Falling in Love all Over Again!

So, I know….We can all just say it! I’m really kind of terrible at updating my blog. I can’t remember the last time I really blogged about my nest projects, but I have blogged from the heart from time to time. This is no different. It’s not about my nest, but it is about something just as good. No…better.

Meet Katie, Daniel, and their sons!

A beautiful family, huh? I can’t begin to explain just how beautiful they really are, but I’ll try my hardest to do them justice…

I’ve known Katie since my high school days. I’ve called her in the worst of times and the best of times, and she’s always been there…no matter what. Most recently, I sent her a message out of the blue with a specific problem asking her to pray for me. She responded that she would devote serious prayer to my problem, and I know she did. She’s that type of person. While I don’t know Daniel as well as I know Katie, she braggs about him constatly. To me, that says the world about him. There are so many things that make this family beautiful, but I’ve never see anything more beautiful then what I saw from them a few days ago.

In order to really understand you would have to know what this family is facing. Their youngest son was born with a heart condition that will be a battle for his entire life.

I encourage you to read Katie’s most recent blog here:
http://thekinnairds.blogspot.com/2012/07/so-how-is-caleb-doing.html?spref=fb

This family’s life is full of uncertainty. They really don’t know what their son’s future will look like. I don’t have kids, so I really can’t even begin to imagine what that’s like. I can’t imagine how broken your heart would feel watching your child go through this, but here comes the beautiful part…

Sunday at church I just happened to sit behind Katie and Daniel. I couldn’t help but watch them and feel so moved by the way God was working in them. They were so moved when singing praises about God’s power and authority. I was deeply touched by this. Here are two people, parents, that can only do so much for their child. Where their power and authority fail, they believe in the power and authority of their King. They weren’t crying out to God, begging for him to use his power and authority. They were praising him. With smiles on their faces, praising Him and trusting Him. Their hands in the air, giving Him thanks that he is the ruler of everything.

What a beautiful, perfect example of what God can do when you allow him to grab ahold of your heart. Katie and Daniel could be bitter, angry, depressed and I don’t think a single one of us would judge them. If it weren’t for the way they have allowed God to work and move in their lives, I’m sure they would be all of those things. I know that they have their bad days, their hard days, but overall they are just joyful, happy people. Praise God for that. Their example has really put all my little “issues” into perspective this past week. There isn’t anything that God’s authority and power can’t touch. Praise God that he heals us, gives us joy, gives us peace, and sustains us. Praise God for beautiful families like Katie and Daniel’s.

Please read Katie’s blog if you haven’t. She mentions specific ways we can all pray for them, and please do!

I’ve tried to keep my personal blogs to a minimum. Mostly because I guess that most of you aren’t here to hear about my personal life. You are here to see inside me house…Creeps. Just kidding.
Unfortunately, I’ve got personal things to say today. Since I plan to torture you… I’ll first reward you with a very personal, (not many people get to see this) very embarrassing picture! Calm down, mom. You’ve seen it 1000 times. Wait… That sounded so much worse! What I’m really trying to say is… Look at this.

Yep, that’s real…Let’s all just take a moment. You can gasp at the horror, and I’ll giggle due to embarrassment overload.

The way my bedroom looks right now is totally a throwback to my high school years when being a slob was the name of the game. When a woman my age has a bedroom that looks like this, you have to wonder if depression or excessive drinking is playing a role. I can assure you that none are playing a role. It’s quite the opposite actually.

My life has been a whirlwind of movement. Everyday there’s movement in a direction that’s so overwhelmingly exciting it’s brought me to tears on more than one occasion. Everyday I seem to be meeting people that are pulling, pushing, and propelling me in a direction so perfect I can’t even begin to explain. So while I should be cleaning my room, I’ve been brainstorming, planning, and plotting my next move.

I’ve felt so incredibly blessed in these past few weeks. Blessed by the people I’ve met. Blessed by the belief and hope they’ve given me. Blessed by the way they legitimately believe I’m capable of all the things I’ve been afraid to do. Blessed by the ideas that have been coming and the doors that have been opening. Blessed that I have so many dang clothes that it’s even possible for my bedroom floor to look like that!!!

It’s strange really. There have been so many times I have fallen short of my own expectations…Life has fallen short of all my expectations. I stopped expecting and suddenly all my hopes, all my dreams are simply falling into place. And I’m proud. Truly proud of who I am. Proud of where I am. For the first time I feel a sense of success.

I think that’s all success really is. It isn’t about how much money you make, how much notoriety you gain. Success is the smile across your face when you think about who you are. Success is the “heart exploding” feeling when you think about where you’ll go. Success is being proud about every single aspect of who you are…Your hopes, dreams, history, future, mistakes, talents, and…even your horrendously messy bedroom.